We all want to be popular and well-liked. It’s natural to try to make friends or notice how we fit into a group. But we don’t click with everyone, and many of us have a sense when someone isn’t our biggest fan.
In some cases, we can avoid those individuals. But what if we need to meet face-to-face with someone who we know doesn’t like us at work, our kid’s daycare or even family gatherings on a regular basis? How do we manage to be around these people and still stay sane, productive and happy?
Recognize the signs that a person doesn’t like you
First, you need to understand the situation and really determine if someone doesn’t like you. Body language speaks louder than words—and while most of us know the signs, it’s still not easy to understand. “Most people can pick up on micro movements and muscles from others that we apply meaning around,” says Crystal Spiegel, LCSW, a social worker and psychotherapist at Therapy Arts. “What we’re tracking is eye contact. Do they have empathy toward us? A lack of curiosity might indicate that someone might not like us. Getting short answers, their body pulling away… aggressive language or being treated noticeably different than other people” all suggest that someone might not be our biggest fan.
But keep in mind that there might be other reasons for those behaviors. “Lack of eye contact, lack of empathy, short answers [and] lack of curiosity all could be [because someone is] shy or neurodivergent.” Before jumping to conclusions based on body language, give the other person the benefit of the doubt and a few opportunities to get to know them. The other person could simply be having a bad day or have demons they’re dealing with.
“[We are all better off] when we’re able to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, [particularly when] we don’t know the whole story,” says Becca Reed, LCSW, PMH-C, a licensed perinatal mental health and trauma therapist. “[It makes it easier to give] them grace [when we consider how] they [may] have things going on in their life that I might have no clue about.” If you say hello and they don’t respond right away, recognize that “they may have been in their own little heads, very focused on something, and [just] didn’t hear you,” she adds.
Other times, the signs are so obvious that we can’t miss them. “Being left out of activities or [a group] email is a big one,” says Suzette Bray, LMFT, a licensed therapist and author of Your Emotions and You, DBT Explained and the Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook. “Sighing sometimes when you speak… an eye roll or [a] furrowed brow” are other indications that someone isn’t in sync with you.
Go along to get along
Should we just accept that these people don’t like us? And how can we make those interactions cordial? “As human beings, we want to try to find common ground,” Bray says. “We can give a genuine compliment, or we can ask how they did something and give them a chance to shine. [Or] we can try to validate them for their feelings and viewpoints.” However, centering conversations on a neutral topic and being polite is best.
“There is no blanket answer,” Spiegel says. The question to ask is, “‘How do you feel in your body? And how do you want to feel? What’s the discrepancy? And is it OK? Can you negotiate that with yourself?’” For example, if you don’t like your boss but you need to pay the bills, you need to manage until something better comes along.
Making an extra effort may feel like a lot of work, but doing so can benefit us in the end. “It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be best friends, but being able to have mutual respect, if you will, can certainly make some of those interactions just run a little more smoothly and overall be more productive,” Reed says.
However you handle the situation, consider your own mental health. “Whatever you choose to do in that situation,” Spiegel says, “it should be in the service of you feeling grounded, clearheaded, open and able to do your job, [rather than] defensive and hyper-focused on not being liked or [feeling like you are] in this collapsed-feeling, small place.”
Learn how to handle rejection
Not being liked or not fitting in with a group can sting and feel like rejection. So what can you do to feel better?
First, recognize that each situation is different, and how someone feels about you may have nothing to do with you at all. You might remind them of someone who hurt them in the past and inadvertently make them uncomfortable. Or they may have jealous feelings about a success in your life or may not really know you.
Recognizing that being “liked” isn’t so simple is important. “How others treat you means a lot more about them than about you,” Bray says. “If [you] look like the mean girl from seventh grade, and that person doesn’t have the personal insight to get beyond that, [you have no control over that.” What we do have control over is how we respond and our own self-care.
At the end of the day, recognizing that you have value and seeking out friends and family who enjoy your company can make dealing with others easier. “Being really compassionate to ourselves and reminding ourselves that ‘I am competent, I’m valued, I have value,” [is important],” Bray adds. “This person’s opinion is not that meaningful. … If [you] do have to have extended interactions with this person, then follow ‘em up with people who love [you]. You interact with that person who’s difficult, [then] go have a phone call with a friend or go to [a trusted colleague] and get a little pump-up talk. Balance that out.”
Putting ourselves out there and knowing that we will be OK if we don’t get along with everyone is a real strength. “Being rejected socially doesn’t kill us,” Bray says. “Other people aren’t always aware of how they’re coming across, and getting good at exposing yourself to possible rejection [is] a really good life skill because we miss out on a lot [if] we’re afraid of possibly being judged. … And boy, if we could do that, if we could get rejected and bounce back, imagine all the opportunities we might reach out for if we know we’re not going to die from it.”
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