U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy has warned us about some serious things in the past, including social media for youth and gun violence. Now, a less obvious yet widespread threat joins his list: parenting.
On August 28, Murthy released an advisory about parents’ mental health and well-being. In the press release, he called for the U.S. to prioritize parents’ mental health and provide stronger support.
“Parents have a profound impact on the health of our children and the health of society,” Murthy said in the release. “Yet parents and caregivers today face tremendous pressures, from familiar stressors, such as worrying about their kids’ health and safety and financial concerns, to new challenges like navigating technology and social media, a youth mental health crisis [and] an epidemic of loneliness that has hit young people the hardest. As a father of two kids, I feel these pressures too.”
The release went on to explain that in the past 10 years, parents have reported higher levels of stress than other adults—33% of parents reported higher stress levels compared to the 20% of remaining adults. The release also noted that children of parents experiencing high levels of stress or burnout can have their own mental health impacted as well, including increased risk of depression and anxiety.
Murthy’s advisory additionally asks for better support for parents’ and caregivers’ mental health through community programs and policy changes.
Why now?
Parenting has been a tough job since the beginning of time. So why is this warning being issued now?
“It could be in response to the findings of a recent study by the American Psychological Association, or it could be that his kids are finally in elementary school and he has enough brain space to reflect on just how freaking hard parenting is,” says Dr. Carla Naumburg, a mother, clinical social worker and author of parenting books, including How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent and a new book for middle-grade readers, How to Stop Freaking Out: The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Cool When Life Feels Chaotic.
“I’m a mother (my daughters are currently 14 and 15 years old), and I was struggling so much with parenting early on that I turned my career upside down and went from teaching and working in college mental health to sneaking chocolate in the pantry and writing books about parenting—specifically about emotional regulation and self-compassion, which have become core practices for me,” she adds.
In spite of a supportive partner and her gratitude for enough food and quality health insurance, she says she still found that caring for her aging parents, her career and her children all at once was “incredibly stressful.”
Beth Berry, a mom coach, mother of four grown daughters and author, says the data is becoming “too disturbing to ignore.” She adds that it’s even harder to ignore when it impacts businesses, which many parents are a part of. “Unfortunately, when unpaid care workers are struggling, society tends to turn a blind eye,” she says. “But when this struggle affects the bottom line for businesses, it’s suddenly a problem worth prioritizing.”
What happens next?
These types of warnings don’t change anything in and of themselves—but they do contribute to a growing conversation about parenting risks and potential solutions, Dr. Emily W. King, a child psychologist practicing in North Carolina, points out. This, in turn, can help the whole family unit, including children.
“My hope is that when our government begins talking about an issue, it means that policy change will follow,” King says. “As we know, change takes time, but parents have been trying to adapt to the demands of raising children in this modern era of technology and higher prices since before the pandemic, and it’s just left us busier and more burned out.
“I believe that systems in our culture need to change, like easier access to mental healthcare, fully-funded public schools and flexible work schedules for parents, before we will see the pressure release on families,” she adds.
How does parenting stress impact potential parents?
The “parent club” seems like the least inviting place to be right now. As a result, some wonder if the increase in stress and improved communication around the issue will result in more people choosing not to have children or to have fewer children.
King shares that social media contributes to increases in parenting stress and worry. “A few generations ago, parents were only aware of what was happening in their own community, which likely helped buffer them from added stress,” she says. “Now, with a click of a link on our phone, we can read as much or as little as we’d like about something awful happening in the world that actually doesn’t impact our family today.”
Grace Tsekpo, the founder and lead publicist of Excellence Communications, was first exposed to the stressors of parenting when, as the oldest of five daughters, she shouldered household responsibilities from babysitting to cooking.
“[It] made me realize that while parenthood is rewarding, it also requires a great deal of resilience and readiness to put others’ needs before your own,” she shares. “This has made me more mindful of the demands of parenthood and how it fits into my life, and—with this understanding—why I may not want to engage in it.”
Berry predicts that fewer people will become parents now. “I believe the coming generations of 20- and 30-somethings will—and should—be more cautious before committing to parenthood unless, and until, conditions change for families,” she says. “Young people are more aware than ever of what it takes to be emotionally healthy, and they’re less attached to parenthood for a sense of identity and meaning than previous generations. They see the stress today’s parents are under, and many are opting to stick with pets and houseplants, for good reason.”
Photo courtesy of fizkes/Shutterstock
