Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others, according to Mayo Clinic. Narcissists seek attention and feel superior, and they often have fantasies of power, beauty or success. They take advantage of others; they feel they deserve special treatment.
And as you can imagine, that makes a narcissist a real nightmare in the workplace.
The good news, says Erin Leonard, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and the author of the book How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life, is that there are ways to identify and work with (and maybe even outsmart) a workplace narcissist. The bad news is that it might not be easy. In her book, she writes that the workplace can be one of the trickiest places in which you might have to interact with a narcissist. But with specific strategies and emotional intelligence tools, you can start to manage and take control of this relationship.
First, how do you determine if your colleague is a narcissist? Counterintuitively, Leonard says, the narcissist will have been pretty nice to you—at least initially.
“A narcissist will really try to be on good behavior to gain your trust,” Leonard says. “Once you trust them, then their true colors show, but only behind closed doors.”
Some red flags to watch out for
- They’ll suddenly become cold. There may be a moment when this person shifts from friendly and warm to cold and cruel. Often, they’ll make toxic comments, either to your face or behind your back. “They say devaluing things, so things that kind of hit below the belt, often camouflaged as a joke, or ‘Oh, I was just trying to help you out, give you feedback,’” Leonard says.
- They’re manipulative. The narcissist will lie, withhold information and scheme. They might try to get you to do their work, either by playing the victim or making excuses about why they can’t do it, or they’ll take credit for your work, stealing your ideas or the ideas of the team and presenting them as their own.
- They’ll bend boundaries. “They’re calling you at 10 o’clock at night for help with their proposal. They call you and say, ‘Can you fill in for me on Saturday morning?’” Leonard explains.
- They’ll exclude you. “All [of] the sudden, the whole office has gotten this email about the picnic on Friday but you…. And they unfairly attack you behind your back.”
- They can’t take feedback or constructive criticism. Narcissists typically have a sense of self-importance and entitlement, and they react defensively—and often angrily—when they receive negative feedback or criticism. “It’s a knee-jerk reaction all the time when something comes along that’s going to ding their self-esteem,” Leonard says.
- They’re passive-aggressive. Narcissists have a feeling of superiority; they need to be liked, and they need the focus to be on them. If they feel they don’t have control or aren’t in the spotlight, they’ll undercut others who they perceive as a threat to their self-image.
Trust your feelings
Not every person who’s passive-aggressive or struggles to maintain appropriate boundaries is a narcissist. But if you’re noticing several of the attributes listed here—if it’s a pattern of behavior you’re picking up on—Leonard says it’s important to trust your feelings.
“A lot of people intuitively understand that what’s happening is not quite right,” she explains. “But a narcissist does such a good job of making them think they’re the problem that they kind of give in to the narcissist’s perspective.”
Emotionally intelligent people want to look for the good in others, Leonard explains, and they’ll often try to reason away bad behavior from narcissists: “Well, maybe she had a bad day,” or, “Well, am I overreacting?”
It’s confusing when someone you thought was your friend and ally starts to demean and belittle you, so the first thing Leonard tells people who are dealing with narcissists in their lives is to trust their intuition. Especially if you notice that your mental health is suffering, or if this person makes you anxious or depressed at the workplace (or even at home), that’s a sign that something serious is going on with this colleague.
“If you feel like something really unfair is happening in your relationship, it is,” Leonard adds.
Gaining emotional space
Once you’ve determined that you may be dealing with a narcissist, the next step is to get some emotional space from that person.
This, too, can be a challenge, especially if you’re in an office where people are fairly close-knit. It might mean saying no to after-work drinks (even if you know they might talk about you behind your back), and it definitely means keeping your personal and professional news from them.
“You want to be civil and warm, but you do not want to talk about anything personal, and you don’t want to share your work, because they will either rip on it or take credit for it,” Leonard says. “Getting emotional space will help the emotionally intelligent person see the narcissist realistically: ‘OK, this person is definitely a problem. I cannot deny it.’”
Once you’ve gotten some emotional distance, there are tools you can use to cope with the situation—and sometimes, Leonard says, even outsmart the narcissist.
Those tools might differ depending on how the narcissist is treating you and their relationship to you. For example, managing this relationship with a colleague can be different than doing so with a boss. Often, this will look like setting a boundary as quickly, kindly and concisely as possible.
For example, if this is a colleague or manager who won’t stop messaging you after hours, reply with: “Hi, thanks for the texts. I’ll take a look when I’m back in the office on Monday. Take care.” You might have to repeat or re-establish this boundary, but the important thing is that you maintain it.
How to outsmart a narcissist
In How to Outsmart a Narcissist, Leonard adds that you can document these work-related incidents and take them to HR to clarify your off-the-clock responsibilities. This goes for other abusive behavior as well—write down and keep track of the narcissist’s boundary-crossing or cruel comments. Try to get as much of the communication as possible in writing, either via email or text message, so that you’ll have receipts that clearly demonstrate their actions.
When dealing with devaluing and demeaning insults, the best way to react is to move on—don’t engage, as engaging only gives the narcissist power. Simply redirect the conversation and act as if you didn’t hear it, and be ready to remove yourself from the conversation if it comes to that. A simple, “Excuse me, I have to use the restroom,” can go a long way.
Leonard says it’s natural for emotionally intelligent people to try to empathize with the narcissist, even if they realize the way they’re being treated is wrong. It’s important to stay strong and continue trusting yourself—don’t let them play the victim, and remember that they’ll distort reality to gain control.
According to Leonard, narcissists often feel that emotionally intelligent people are weak, as they are empathic and kind—things a narcissist views as exploitable.
“The opposite is actually true,” she says. Emotionally intelligent people are strong, with sturdy self-esteem—a narcissist’s profound insecurity keeps them from reckoning with their own flaws. And once an emotionally intelligent person is able to see the narcissist realistically, they’ll also be able to see themselves more realistically. “They’ll know that they’re OK,” she continues. “They’ll know that they have to use their emotional intelligence and these tools to deal with the narcissist. And it is going to be fine.”
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