Earlier this year, I hopped on a Zoom call along with my colleague, who is in her late 40s like me. We were interviewing a candidate for a position at my then-company. I knew the candidate was about my age or a little older based on her impressive resume filled with roles at top-tier companies dating back to the early 2000s. She possessed an even more impressive portfolio and was a delight to chat with—she clearly knew her stuff. But then, after we’d been speaking for about 20 minutes, she did something that I have begun to notice is so incredibly common for people my age and older that we often don’t even register that we’re doing it. Referring to a particularly impressive accomplishment, this candidate laughed ruefully and said, “I know I’m dating myself here, but…”
In that instant, she completely reframed the conversation. Instead of leaning into the impressiveness of the project and what value she could bring to us as an experienced pro, she painted herself as outdated.
I know I’ve done this exact thing myself. Maybe not in job interviews, but certainly in work meetings—I cringe to think of how many times I’ve “joked” about my age to younger colleagues, poking fun at myself for referencing The Facts of Life or a song I loved that was popular before some people in the room were even born. Working in media where youth is literally a commodity and a crop of fresh college grads in the “right demo” always seems to be waiting in the wings, I’m perhaps even more discomfited about staring down my half-century mark than my peers in other industries.
In a previous job, which I absolutely loved and was extremely good at, I joked more than once, I am mortified to recall, about staying on board until I “got too old.” I feel ill when I think about this, and can’t help but wonder if I created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I understand why we do this—ageism is so completely pervasive in every facet of our culture; sometimes it feels like we might as well make ourselves the butt of the joke before someone else beats us to it—but we absolutely have to stop. People over 40 can’t fix the entire culture in one fell swoop (alas), but we can control how we speak—and, maybe more importantly, how we think about ourselves.
It’s vital that we reframe ageist thinking
It’s “critically important” to reframe this ageist way of thinking, says Michele Woodward, an executive coach based in Washington D.C. “You have to be very careful whenever anybody is self-effacing or self-deprecating, because… it undermines you and undercuts you,” she says. “If you say, ‘I really have no idea what I’m doing. I’m making it up as fast as I can, ha ha!’… then what?” she asks. It turns out, people might start to think, hey, she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
Offhand comments about our age, making fun of ourselves for being “old,” laughing about having a “senior moment” during a bout of regular forgetfulness—all of this behavior falls squarely into the self-deprecating camp. Ageism is an insidious cultural force, and often, the phone call is coming from inside the house. (You have to be both cool and probably over 40 to get that reference.)
Internalized ageism, or what’s often referred to as “prejudice against our feared future self,” a term coined by psychologist Todd Nelson in 2005, actively harms us, and not just when it comes to our careers. Younger people who believe and internalize negative aging stereotypes are more likely to experience cardiovascular conditions after age 60. Meanwhile, according to a study that included 14,000 adults over the age of 50, “the people who had the highest satisfaction with aging had a 43% lower risk of dying from any cause over a four-year period compared with those who were the least satisfied.”
Ageism is a problem on many levels
Not surprisingly, many studies have shown that internalized ageism poorly affects many aspects of mental health, and can result in increased depression and anxiety. But we don’t need studies to know that ageism of any kind, whether it’s coming from the culture around us or from inside our own mind, is deeply damaging and discriminatory. When it comes to our careers, we can work on shifting the narrative—for our own sake and for the sake of the generations coming up behind us.
I’m no Pollyanna (another reference for the seasoned). I know that in my field, as in many, opportunities can dwindle as we get older, in part because entire industries are changing under our feet and also in part because there are fewer top-level roles than entry-level, low-paying opportunities. A quick Google search will find countless current age discrimination lawsuits filed against huge, well-respected companies. Ageism is such a problem that this past May, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) launched the Aging Employment Portfolio devoted to addressing ageism in the workplace.
“I frequently talk to older workers who fear losing their careers due to persistent retirement inquiries from managers and colleagues,” says Patricia Fletcher, Ph.D., the new initiative’s principal strategist. “Similarly, age discrimination presents obstacles for job seekers when they disclose their birth or graduation dates during the hiring process,” she adds. Fletcher confirms that our concerns are not just theoretical; she knows they are reflected in hiring and retention practices.
“Recently, I spoke to a woman, now 70, who retired three years ago from a job she held for over seven years,” she says. “Her colleagues’ persistent nudges toward retirement left her filled with regret and misery in the years immediately following her retirement. Her experience is a reminder of the personal effects of age discrimination.”
It’s real. But how will any of this change unless we refuse to keep carrying this tired old torch? I think back several years to when I was having lunch with some colleagues at my same management level. One, a woman in her early 30s, discussing a great candidate for an open role, told us, “But she’s at least 40—she won’t want to be reporting to me!” I didn’t say anything to correct her, and I cannot express how much I regret that.
All I can do is better going forward. We all can. How? By committing to doing these three things:
Three ways to help prevent ageism
1. Stop making ageist jokes at our own expense
“Those ‘jokes’ aren’t harmless—they’re insidious,” says Tara Furiani, an executive coach, HR industry veteran and CEO of Not the HR Lady. “‘I guess that really dates me’ sounds like a throwaway line, but it’s not; it’s you giving others permission to judge you by a number. Worse, it invites them to play the same game, whether it’s calling someone ‘kid’ or ‘boomer.’ Knock it off. Words shape perception, and the more you feed into age stereotypes, the easier it is for others to use them against you.”
Furiani encourages us to flip the script. “Instead of making yourself small, highlight your value. Say, ‘I’ve seen this industry evolve; here’s how I’ve evolved with it.’ Take the power back.”
2. Recognize ageism when it occurs and speak up
“The beautiful part about the introduction of ageism and age inclusivity is that once [people] are introduced to it, then I watch people change their language,” Fletcher says. The more people are aware of this “ism,” the more likely we can mitigate it.
3. Foster intergenerational friendships and work relationships
Studies have shown that connections and contact with people of different generations can mitigate ageism. It makes instinctive sense! And, Fletcher says, it’s “absolutely a fact.” She says the NIH is committed to creating a multigenerational workforce for this very reason, noting that the beauty of intergenerational communication is that we can learn from—and mentor—each other. “There’s reverse mentoring: an older person can mentor a younger person, and a younger person can mentor an older person,” she says. “You each can show what you offer in skills and talent… And age isn’t a part of that discussion.”
“Ageism exists, but it’s not a death sentence for your career unless you let it be”
I think about those meetings where I or another colleague made a comment about being “old.” What message was that sending to our younger peers? Why was I so willing to perpetuate the very phenomenon that I was starting to worry was undermining me, even as I knew that I’d come to a place in my skill set and career that makes me an incredible asset to any team? What was I hoping to gain by making one of these age-related, self-deprecating jokes? Woodward says we should ask ourselves these types of questions.
“What in that moment are you actually hoping will happen?” Woodward asks. Are you “hoping people say, ‘Oh gosh, April, you’re not that old!’”? If the goal is just to be reassured, Woodward says, we don’t need to ask our colleagues at work to reassure us. We need to take care of that ourselves.
As for our very real career concerns? “Yes, ageism exists, but it’s not a death sentence for your career unless you let it be,” Furiani says. “The fear is understandable, but instead of shrinking back, stand firm in what you bring to the table. Companies need people with battle-tested experience—especially when they’re trying to survive and thrive in uncertain times. If they can’t recognize that, move on… Your career isn’t over unless you let someone else write the ending.”
Photo from Ulza/Shutterstock.com
