More than half of married Americans and more than two-thirds of engaged Americans find it difficult to have a serious money discussion with their partner, according to a NerdWallet survey. Shatavia Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that’s not altogether surprising. “[Money conversations] are still very much taboo. They say if you want some awkwardness to pop up, just talk about sex, politics or money,” she says.
However, Thomas says these conversations about combining finances before marriage are vital for individuals who are planning to or have already legally woven their lives together. Money talks arise often as couples navigate everything from whether to save for buying a home or traveling or just deciding between buying $3 or $8 orange juice at the grocery store. The same NerdWallet survey found that 60% of survey participants regretted not discussing some financial topics with their partner before getting married.
This lack of communication around finances can cause problems in the long run. According to a NerdWallet survey, 60% of married Americans said they wished they’d discussed certain financial topics before getting married. Communicating about money prior to marriage can set the stage for a solid financial future—and a healthier future for the relationship in general.
Here’s how to broach the subject of money before marriage and what to talk about.
Start with the basics
In her Atlanta-based private practice, Thomas guides couples through talking about money values and their experiences inherited from their families of origin. “If you come from a family where money was not as abundant, then you’re going to tend to have a more conservative stance on spending,” she says. “If you came from a family of abundance—and there’s nothing wrong with that—then you may have a different relationship with money. And you may not understand the sacrifice and the anxiety involved in it [that your partner may experience].”
A person’s experience in their family of origin defines the meaning of money for them. Thomas says people usually have one of four perspectives on money. They either see it as a form of security, a way to demonstrate status and power, a way to enjoy and reward yourself for hard work or a means of control. Each of these outlooks affects how a person wants to save or spend and where they spend their money.
To tap into these outlooks, Thomas suggests partners ask questions such as:
- What did you learn about money growing up as a child?
- What kind of family did you come from in terms of money?
- What does money mean to you?
“Before you get into ‘what kinds of decisions are we going to make?’ it’s ‘let me help you understand my thought processes, values and life experiences.’ Having those types of conversations… can provide a strong foundation before you get into some of the nuances,” Thomas says.
Six topics to discuss before marriage on combining finances
In her private practice, mental health counselor Marissa Moore guides clients through difficult money conversations about combining finances before marriage and steps to take after they tie the knot.
She advises discussing the following topics:
1. Your current finances
It is important that spouses know each other’s financial situation, including debt (student loans, credit card debt, etc.), savings, income and other financial commitments, which may include donations and credit scores. “Honesty at this stage builds trust and helps avoid unpleasant surprises later. This transparency is key to planning effectively together,” Moore says.
2. Your spending habits
As Thomas described, people’s family of origin can affect their attitudes toward money—and whether they’re inclined to spend or save. Moore observes, “Understanding each other’s tendencies helps in creating a budget that feels fair and manageable for both of you.”
3. How you’ll manage your accounts and share expenses
Will you share joint checking and savings accounts? Keep your accounts separate? Or do a mix of both? How will you pay your expenses—e.g., from the joint account?
4. Your financial roles and responsibilities
In many relationships, one partner is better equipped either through their skills or background to manage the finances and takes sole responsibility for money management in the relationship. In others, partners share responsibilities such as paying bills or monitoring investment and retirement accounts. Either way, “clearly defining these roles can help avoid misunderstandings and ensure that everything gets taken care of,” Moore says.
5. Budgeting for your lifestyle and navigating debt
“Talk about your lifestyle expectations and make sure they match your financial reality… this helps prevent conflicts down the line,” Moore says. She also advises discussing how to tackle debt. For example, will you tackle the debt jointly (even if created by one person) or will that person remain individually responsible for it?
6. Your savings plans—and your plans for the future
Saving could include everything from establishing a peace of mind fund, putting money toward a dream vacation, buying a home or planning for retirement. “These big decisions have a major impact on your finances, so it’s crucial to plan for them together,” Moore says.
The financial aspect of having children
Deciding whether a couple plans to have children is a broader conversation that involves vision for their lives, roles and values. However, the decision to have children and how to raise children is so impactful to a couple’s finances. In 2015, the USDA estimated what parents should anticipate raising a child to cost, and adjusted for inflation, it comes to an average of about $18,000 per year from age 0 to 17, so the financial aspect of having children also warrants discussion prior to marriage. “It comes up at every stage of the game, from how much do we spend on day care, to does our child get an allowance, to private versus public school or [paying for] college tuition,” Thomas reflects.
This is another time when returning to a conversation about family of origin is useful. Thomas says couples should talk about how each partner was raised—and the benefits and drawbacks of being raised that way and the lessons learned. These conversations can lay the groundwork for shared expectations around the expensive—and, for many, joyful—prospect of raising children.
For some partners, in lieu of or in addition to conversations about children, it may be useful to have a discussion around caregiving for parents, other family members or friends.
So… what about prenups?
A 2022 Harris Poll found that 15% of Americans had signed a prenup—and not just the uber-wealthy. Because a prenuptial agreement (a contract a couple enters before marriage allowing them to select and control the legal rights they have upon marrying) generally only applies in the case of divorce, some view them as dooming the marriage before it starts. However, others see a prenuptial agreement as a way to protect each other’s assets and start the marriage with a shared understanding about money.
Some people approach it as “I’ve earned all of this prior to the relationship, so I need to have a sense of ownership around the fruits of my labor,” Thomas says. “And some people are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They come in and they just believe they’re joined in every way.”
Thomas says regardless of what a couple decides about an agreement, like in any other conversation in marriage therapy, discussions around prenups should be approached from the standpoint of shared values, respect and trust and with a sense of empathy and perspective- taking for the other person’s position.
The bottom line
Keep in mind, talking about money isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s important to discuss your plan to combine finances before marriage, but you should continue to revisit these conversations. “I always encourage couples to revisit their financial plans regularly. Life changes, and so do financial situations. Keeping the lines of communication open helps you stay aligned and adapt as needed,” Moore says.
Photo courtesy Monster Ztudio/Shutterstock.com
